Dad, The Pro Wrestler

Captain’s Log.  Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 2105.

I always wanted to be a professional wrestler.  I grew up in the WWF (now WWE) era of Hulkamania.  The training, saying your prayers, and taking your steroids vitamins, brutha. We used to act out all of the moves.  My favorite was pretending to be the Hulkster and picking up one of my buddies (Big Joey) who was pretending to be Andre the Giant.  I didn’t actually slam him, but it was still pretty cool.  We had the stomps down and the fake punches.  I could even cut a live promo in the Hulkster’s voice (still can).

So I was thinking about all the unofficial ring training that I went through in my childhood. And that’s when it hit me.  I wasn’t training to be a professional wrestler.  I was training to be a dad.

Think about it.  In wrestling they call it “kayfabe” which is essentially the preservation of a character or story.  If you hurt your arm in the ring then your arm should be hurt when you go out for a burger later.  How many times have you kayfabed for your kids?  When they try to tickle you and you have to “sell” that it tickles when really they are scratching skin from your body.  Or when you are playing hide and go seek and you have to pretend that they aren’t hiding behind the couch – even though they made more noise than an elephant burrowing between the sofa and the wall.

One of my favorite wrestling scenarios is when there is outside interference.  This usually occurs when the face (the good guy) is distracted and a heel (a bad guy) comes in and interferes with the match.  Sometimes the heel comes in with a foreign object.  While kids don’t grab steel chairs, or jump off the top of a steel cage, they do occasionally hit you with random objects or catapult off of the top of the couch/table/family pet.  If you have more than one kid, they delight in double/triple/whole team teaming you.

Parenting is like wrestling.  You are telling a story.  At times you are competing.  At times you are joining forces.  And sometimes, yes, you are rolling around in your underwear (sneak attacks can come at all times).  At times you are simply entertaining.

Another term used a great deal in wrestling is “push”.  To receive a push is when the organization tries to make a wrestler big with the fans,  And I guess that is the main job of a parent:  We are constantly trying to push our kids so that they can get “over”.  If we do our job right they look great, but if we are only worried about how we look as parents then their progress can suffer.

Granted, there are some major differences between professional wrestling and fatherhood (or motherhood if you are a mom).  There are no pyrotechnics when I walk in the room (I’m still working on that one).  There is no theme music that blares when I wake up (also working on this one).  There is no championship belt (okay, I do have a fake championship belt that I wear on the weekends).  And unless you are at Walmart/Target/Disney, there is no sold out arena audience (which many times is a good thing).

Little did I know that those hours watching wrestling would give me a sneak peek into fatherhood.  Training, prayers, vitamins, and all.

For now…Captain out.

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I’m Conspiring Against The Ice Cream Man

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Summer Break Diaper Date 16. The Ice Cream Man is the enemy. This dastardly individual makes his/her way through my neighborhood at inappropriate times and causes a schism between play friends. It is am awkward moment when one friend has ice cream and another doesn’t.
The Ice Cream Man knows you can’t say no. He stops with a knowing smile and gladly takes your order. And is even happier to gouge your wallet take your money. “Yes, I would like a frozen Dora with bubblegum eyes. Here’s $5 and my soul.”
The bad part? The Ice Cream Man’s influence melts away in mere minutes. My kid never finishes the gourmet sugar whatever and I watch as my Washingtons get melted down the drain. I cry a little as the proverbial dead presidents float down the drain with the regularity of a Disney parade. Or the wrappers pollute my yard – it’s almost like the Ice Cream Man has marked his territory. In my home. In the place where my wife sleeps and my children play with their toys (Godfather II allusion).
Not anymore Ice Cream Man. No more peeing in my front yard. I’m not sure how I am going to thwart your efforts. But I have some ideas-
1. Ban you from the neighborhood.
2. Make it a law that you can’t play your jovial music within 5 miles of my house.
3. Unplug your ice cream cooler.
4. Replace the pictures of your ice cream with Brussels sprouts and asparagus spears and rutabagas. That’ll show you.
5. Siphon out your gas.
I’m still brainstorming. One Poop Deck Member that I met this weekend tells her kids that the music only plays when the Ice Cream Man is out of ice cream. Brilliant. My only problem is that The Eldest has older friends and they would see straight through my rouse.
So in the mean time ice cream man, I’m calling you out. Watch your candy backs and chocolate dip cones.
For now…Captain out.

My Steakcation

I participated in a campaign on behalf of Dad Central Consulting for LongHorn Steakhouse. I received a gift card to facilitate my review and a promotional item as a thank-you for participating.

My family just got back from a great trip to Disney. I discovered the best way to recover from a vacation- I took a “Steakcation” at Longhorn Steakhouse. Joining me in my journey to enjoy the “perfect steak” was my neighbor.
We usually grill out on Father’s Day. As a matter of fact, my wife recently surprised me with a brand new gas/charcoal grill for my birthday. I love grilling, but it was nice being able to just sit and chat and enjoy some good food.
The service was excellent. We started off with an appetizer – the Wild West Shrimp. This shrimp had some kick! It also came with a ranch dipping sauce. There was an ample amount of shrimp definitely enough for more than two people, but we polished it off pretty well.
For our main course we ordered the Porterhouse For Two. This steak is not for the meek and mild. It was 30 ounces of pure steak delight. We ordered it medium well and it was cooked perfectly. It also came with a signature steak sauce which was prepared at our table.
My neighbor ordered the sweet potato ( a signature side) while I ordered the loaded potato. And because we couldn’t get enough spuds, we also ordered a side of season fries. Salads are not pictured because we were preserving them for any vegetarians that may accompany any steak eater at a later time.
It was nice having the time to catch up and enjoy a great meal. The steak was so satisfying (and did I mention it was 30 OUNCES?!?) we got our desserts to go.
I am looking forward to grilling out this weekend and using my Longhorn signature steak knives – they make cutting pretty easy. If only I could get my hands on a 30 ounce porterhouse…

Vacation Workout

Captain’s Log. Disney Chronicles. Day Unknown. Vacation is defined as “(Noun)
An extended period of recreation, esp. one spent away from home or in traveling.”
Webster apparently has never been to Disney. With children. There is indeed plenty of magic. Part of the magic is the workout you receive.
We ride a bus everyday from the resort to the park. We push a double stroller through hordes of people. We hull the stroller on the bus and off of the bus. Children want shoulder rides. Arm rides. They stomp in puddles. They try to run in front of buses.
This is all taxing. But when the kids smile and laugh it is all worth it. The Captain will have more details of our escapades including riding with pirates and meeting Woody and Buzz. But for now we are going to enjoy our last 24 hours of Disney. So for now…Captain out.
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The Overnight Father – A Book Review

While I did receive a free copy of Paul Guzzo’s book, I was not compensated for this review. The following review is not influenced by the writer or a publisher.

Not every family story starts with a magic sex rock. I’m imagining the Brady Bunch song right now, and though it may fit in with the shenanigans of the cast, it does not fit the mantra of the typical family story. And while Paul Guzzo’s Overnight Family Man may not fit the “stereotypical” mold, it should be in your shopping cart.
It is a story of a man who goes from a single man to a family man. Overnight – hence the name.
Here’s the opening structure – boy meets girl playing softball, boy tries to talk to girl, girl says boy isn’t her type, boy learns girl has kids, but connection between boy and girl is too strong to ignore. That’s the exposition simplified, but this story is anything but simple.
Guzzo is a talented writer. His book draws you in like a piece of fiction would, yet you find yourself invested in it – the way good nonfiction allows you to be. There are layers of lessons to learn (the first of which involves reading the directions to the aforementioned rock) most involving the effects (not meant negatively) fatherhood has on a formerly single dad. Everyone always talks about how it changes your life, but in this case you see the changes in a flash. Everything from workout schedules to sleeping arrangements to family pets to discipline.
Guzzo pulls back the curtain on his life and allows you to peek in to some very personal areas. You come to not only respect his honesty as a writer, but also his intent to be the best dad he can be to all of his kids whether they are labeled as his “stepkids” or “biological” – for the record he doesn’t see that distinction but respects that others might.
There is one chapter in particular that illustrates the bond of love and respect between Paul and his wife, Amy. It also happens to be my favorite chapter. In it he gives the explanation for their name choice for their son. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I will say that it is symbolic of just how open Guzzo is about his experience.
The last thing I would like to mention is my favorite feature of the book. Sprinkled into Guzzo’s narrative are a number of Facebook posts from the time period he is describing. It is almost like a peek into his personal diary. These posts would later inspire him to write the book.
This book is a great gift for new stepdads, new dads, any parent, people thinking about having kids, or anyone who appreciates good writing.
Know anybody that fits any of those categories? Go ahead and gift them a copy.
Happy reading…
For now…Captain out.

Manning Up for Memorial Day

Before I do anything else, I would like to thank those in uniform who protect our freedoms everyday. These brave men and women are amazing, real life superheroes. Thank you. And in the true spirit of Memorial Day, I would also like to offer thoughts, prayers, and thanks to the families of those who died while serving our country. We owe you more than we could possibly offer.
On a lighter, yet still serious note, I am writing today’s blog for a cause. Way back in February I pledged to write a blog post dedicated to Testicular Cancer Awareness.
Many of us parents dread the day that we have to have “the talk” with our kids. The truth is that when it comes to our bodies, it probably takes more than “a talk”. The truth is that we have to teach our children how to take care of their bodies. The truth is we have to be willing to talk about these things even if it is uncomfortable for us. Or them. The truth is that a few moments of discomfort could prevent a bigger challenge down the road.
So if you have a son, be sure to have this talk with him.
Not sure what to say? Here is some information provided by the Testicular Cancer Foundation:

It’s Man UP Monday!

I’m proud to be a member of the Team Single Jingles Man UP Monday PARENT BLOGGING TEAM!
Today, I’m doing my part to spread an important message about Testicular Cancer.

Did you know that Testicular Cancer is the #1 cancer in young men ages 15 to 35?
Did you know that Testicular Cancer is highly survivable if detected early?
Did you know that young men should be doing a monthly self-exam?

What can you do?
Stop by the Testicular Cancer Foundation website for more information on Testicular Cancer
Request a FREE shower card with self-exam instructions – it just might save a young man in your life!

And if you’re feeling just a little AWKWARD about this conversation, check out this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aT7wjaOh-zA from some parents who feel the exact same way!

For now…Captain Out!

Celebrating 37 Years…

Today The Captain celebrates 37 years of excellence mediocrity life.  He would like to take a moment and thank some important people.  To my mom and dad who made my miraculous birth possible -
the details of which we will not discuss as I don’t have enough money to.cover the copays of therapy.  I am truly sorry for the time I almost got the police called on you in Sears when I pretended to be abused because you guys wouldn’t buy maple nut goodies.  Thank you for raising me, loving me, and being there. 
To my sister- Thank you for not leaving me in the mall (the mall was a bad place to be with me, I guess) when I was six and told the police officer that you abducted me and were holding me against my will because I was mad that you wouldn’t buy me that Hot Wheels car after you had already gotten me McDonald’s (psst McD’s I mention you…will you be “in touch”?) and taken me to the mall on your first day with a driver’s liscence. You deserved a better little brother.  Unfortunately, they are all out of stock, so you are stuck with me.  You are the best big sister a little disaster of a brother like me can have.  
To my friends- Thanks for being bad influences when I needed to take life a little less seriously.  Thank you for also reminding me who I am when I took it too jovially.  I have the best friends in the world.  Bar none.  Yours might be as good as mine, but not better. 
To my wife- 
Thank you for dealing with my scattered brain and bad puns.  Sorry about the time I lost you at the Jimmy Buffet concert.  It really was not intentional.  One day you will truly admire me for my comedic genius, but right now I want you to know that I admire you for so much.  Thank you for being you and being with me and being the best mom my kids can have.
To my kids -
You two are amazing.  For perpetual machines of destruction, defecation, and sleep deprivation, you guys are loveable.  I grow more each day because of you.  I can’t wait to see what all I learn from you and how you grow.  The only thing I can truly give you is an empire DNA and love.  The rest is up to you, but know that I will always be here.  Not literally here in this physical spot, but you know what I mean.  My metaphorical door is always open. 
To my readers-
Thank you for taking the time to read my musings.  I could hug each of you – especially those that leave comments and tweet me.  I look forward to a long relationship with you. Please keep coming back.
For now…Captain out!
Shamless plug.  Check out the new Life of Dad video. The Captain makes a cameo in this one. Set secret…I have no idea what I am measuring or cutting!

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I Just Want to Pee Alone – A Book Review

 

I have written this post about three different times.  I will fully admit that I am intimidated by the prospect of reviewing a work created by 37 creative, funny, honest, witty moms.  A book that, when it arrived in the mail, had my wife laughing to the point of tears within 30 seconds of breaking the binding.  A book that I didn’t get to read for several days because it was liberated by said wife – who continued to read, laugh, and repeat.

I Just Want to Pee Alone, written by “Some Kick Ass Mom Bloggers” is not for everyone.  If you don’t have a sense of humor – don’t read it.  If you have never been pooped or peed on (or aren’t getting ready to experience such niceties) – don’t read it.

As evidenced by my wife’s reaction, moms will relate to and enjoy this book.  But they are not the only ones.  I enjoyed the book.  And though I have never experienced the pregnancy, the hormones, the waxing (thank goodness), the shaving, the nursing, or the (how can I put this mildly) bodily changes – I appreciated each of these essays.

What got me was that underneath the layer of humor, in each essay there was a sincere, authentic reflection of a personal motherhood experience.  Many made me appreciate my wife more.  Parenting, or in the case of this book, motherhood, can, at times, be a lonely, unforgiving experience.  Sometimes you need to vent.  Sometimes you need to laugh.  Sometimes you just need to share.  Sometimes you need to express yourself without a filter.  This book does all of that.

What is great about this collection is that it is comprised of short essays – which makes for convenient reading in between parenting duties.  It is a quick read with a hardy laugh guaranteed.

Dads- Now if you really want to gift this book right – wrap it up, leave it in the bathroom, take the kids to the park and let your wife enjoy the book in solitude.  Just be sure to warn the neighbors of the impending shrieks of laughter that may resonate.  Then when she finishes – read it yourself.

Moms- What are you waiting for?  Go ahead and order this book.  When you are done share it with a friend.

Why pee alone when you can do it while reading this book.  Order now.

Did you finish the book and need more material to read?  Or do you want a free preview?  Visit each of the authors’ sites.  Enjoy.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
   Insane in the Mom Brain


The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
   Baby Sideburns


Rants From Mommyland
  You Know it Happens at Your House Too


The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
   My Life and Kids


Bad Parenting Moments
   Let Me Start By Saying
   Frugalista Blog


Suburban Snapshots
   Ninja Mom
   Four Plus an Angel
   Honest Mom


Binkies and Briefcases
   Naps Happen
   Kelley’s Break Room


Toulouse & Tonic
   HouseTalkN
   Hollow Tree Ventures


The Fordeville Diaries
   Snarkfest
   Mom’s New Stage
   Nurse Mommy Laughs


The Dose of Reality
   The Mom of the Year
   Life on Peanut Layne


Momaical
   Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
   Confessions of a Cornfed Girl


I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
   Random Handprints
   RachRiot


You’re My Favorite Today
   Funny is Family
   My Real Life

Special thanks to Kim Bongiorno for giving me an opportunity to review this book.

Weekend Warrior Wake-up

Captain’s Log.  Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 2062.  I am no spring chicken.  This is a hard thing for The Captain to admit.  I am reminded of the song “100 Years” by Five for Fighting.  There is a part that goes –

I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m of age
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

While 33 is in the rearview already, the idea that I am losing my prime is becoming more evident.  I am the same age as some very proficient athletes- Kobe and Jeter to name two.  Both are battling age and injuries.  And for the first time, I am as well. 

I pulled a hamstring.  Playing softball. 

This has to be one of the signs of the midlife apocalypse.  Maybe the Mayans were right.  Maybe they were just talking about my world.  Maybe they knew that 2012 would be the last year that I would feel spry.  Maybe they knew that a sports car was in my future. 

Maybe that part is just wishful thinking. 

Or maybe it is time to reevaluate the way that I take care of myself.  Maybe I actually need to stretch.  Maybe I need to eat a few more veggies some veggies.  Maybe I need to go on walks/runs. 

Like the song says – I might be this age for a “moment”, but I plan on enjoying it even as I limp to my classroom in the morning and my students snicker at me. 

Maybe I am developing an early midlife crisis.  Or maybe it has already started and I just got the invitation. 

At any rate, I am going to ice my hammy.  I am going to take my vitamins, say my prayers, and do my training.  And next Sunday I might even stretch.  In the meantime, I am going to shave and reduce the gray hair on my face and maybe Father Time will card me before he sends another strained muscle my way. 

How do you turn back the clock?  Leave me a comment below or shoot me a tweet – @acjlist.  I would love to know. 

For now…

Captain, OUCH – I think I strained my typing hand.  

Captain Out. 

Spring Break Eve Eve

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 2022.  It is Spring Break Eve Eve.  Little known fact – two years ago (roughly) The Captain’s Log was born out of Spring Break Facebook posts.  So, this time of year is a special one.  We love Spring Break here -  school is nearing end and the beginning of The Captain’s stint as a Seasonal Stay At Home Dad (SSAHD) will begin.  It is fun, challenging, tiring, at times frustrating, but a time The Captain cherishes.
A lot of people talk about getting in shape for the beach.  The Captain just wants to get in shape for the children.  There will be horseplay and books and, if we are lucky, lots of laughter.
This break I would love to try some new activities and projects and is looking for suggestions.  Have any?  Drop them in the comme.t section, on my Facebook page, or tweet me.  For now…Captain out.

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