Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1564. The lights on the tree are still glowing. The house is finally silent. It was a very good day. Before I go to sleep…I have one question.
Who designs the packaging for toys?
Second question – What are they mad about?
The talent of this individual is being wasted. I have included a picture of one of the toys the eldest unwrapped this morning. There was the exterior plastic shell. A protective shell inside of the plastic shell. A plastic shell protecting the back of the package from the plastic on the front of the package. AND random strips of tape that held all of these protective shells together. None of those monstrosities are pictured.
Inside of the aforementioned series of shells, Lightning McQueen is bound to two platforms. Incarcerated by not one, but two twist ties. Enslaved in the solitude of the toy aisle, this car is guaranteed to be in the package once you get it open – a process that may take most of the rest of your natural adult life. The fine print on the box warns – By the time you completely open this package one of several things could occur – your child will be old enough to drive a real car, your child will no longer be interested in our toy, or you may find the product broken (in which case it is not our fault). (* Editor’s note – this is sarcasm. It doesn’t actually say this on the box, but it would be funny if it did.)
I have a few theories. The first theory is that the individual who designed this package has seen Toy Story a few too many times and believes that the toys are indeed actually real – and the plastic shells protect the toys from concussions. The next theory is that the individual participated in, and failed, the infamous egg drop at some point during their academic career. And the last theory is a bit of a stretch, but perhaps this design is actually a part of a large overreaching conspiracy to help fund the wealthy oil industry. What? You were expecting aliens or something? Anyways…
As I noted before, the talent of this individual is being wasted. This person should be handling the designs of our high security prisons and detention centers. Better yet – instead of the age old interrogation techniques, all a law enforcement officer needs to do is roll out a few packs of these toys and even the most hardened criminal would crack. I could totally see it now –
“Mr. Doe, where were you the night of the 1st?”
“I was alone, enjoying a fine Chianti and some fava beans.”
“Mr. Doe, we are going to step out of the room for a few minutes. Before you can be released we need you to open these three packages. They are toys for children. Just place the plastic in the waste reciprocal in the corner.”
“I did it. I confess. I confess to everything. Every wrong mankind ever committed.” (Channeling Mommy Dearest) “No. MORE. PLASTIC. SHELLS!”
I’m just saying. There might be a future use in all those toys that get marked down to clearance and then still don’t get sold. Forget sending them to the land of misfit toys. Send them to the state penn.
In other news, Christmas was awesome. The kids enjoyed the day, the gifts, the candy, the family. The diaper dweller spent the day attempting to digest ribbons, bows, wrapping paper, cardboard – basically any material that was used to package the gifts. Though we have never done it, I do believe that the best gifts for younger siblings may simply be the debris of the wrapping of the older sibling. Saves money and everyone is happy.
The eldest was lost in a sea of gifts and imagination. There were cars, dolls, cooking things, etc. My day was made when the eldest said to me, as she was falling asleep, “Daddy. I am thankful. I am thankful for my gifts and my family. This was the best Christmas ever.” This statement was followed by one of the biggest hugs I have ever received. My heart still smiles. There are a lot of superficial things associated with Christmas – like the plastic shells that cover the toys. However, once you strip those parts away and get to the core – it really is the most wonderful time of the year. And a great time to be thankful.