Dora Ain’t Gangsta

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1587.  My road touring vessel is a fine machine.  Mrs. Captain found it in Craigslist and I pursued and executed the deal.  It is a nicer vehicle than what I could normally afford – leather seats, heated seats, moon roof, Dvd player, etc.  It even has a tape deck so I can go old school and play those mixtapes I still have from the early 90’s.

I really have one complaint.  I keep a lot of music on my smartphone.  I bought a $4 cord from Walmart to play my phone through the car stereo system….and it bumps. Great sound. Great bass. Though my car was originally marketed by Celion Dion, it still has some street cred simply because of the sound system. 
Now the eldest loves it because she can watch shows while we go on long trips.  We like it because she can watch shows on long trips.  The problem? Only her DVDs are in my car. Dora, Elmo, you name it. This normally isn’t an issue.  Then one day it happens. 

I love my music. It gets me ready for the day and when you teach middle schoolers some days it is like being a football player running through that tunnel before a game.  You have to psych yourself up.  Loud music.  Music with heavy bass.  I prefer a little L.L. Cool J or a little Public Enemy (on days that I’m feeling a little rebellious).

So the other morning I am matriculating to work, listening to my music, getting my game face on.  I’m right around the corner from school when it happens –  L.L. disappears. There’s a pause.

The instramental opening is unmistakable.  It is ingrained in my very soul.

The triumphant horns are followed by a voice.

“Are you ready to explore?!?”

No. This is not happening. This. Is. Not. Happening.  You know that moment when you have to decide which is more important – driving or eliminating the helpless juvenile who is friends with a monkey and a talking map.  I chose not to be a distracted driver. I just drove. I didn’t want to be the subject of a news headline, “Teacher crashes car while listening to Dora DVD. News at 11.”

I find Dora grating under normal circumstances, but at the high decibels I was absorbing it was beyond fingers on a chalkboard.  It was a form of torture they should use on terrorists. 

Side note – why does she always need my help? Here’s a thought Dora – do it yourself! If you can’t do it then ask your monkey that wears boots, or your talking map or your McGyver-esque backpack (seriously – “I’m the thing that’s loaded up with things and knicknacks, too? Anything need I’ve got inside for you.”) 

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But, I am done enabling you. And leave my kid alone. Whew. Sorry, but that felt good. Liberating.  You should try barking at a cartoon sometime.

So I pulled into school bumping Dora.  Luckily, no one saw or heard. Or at least they haven’t started making fun of me…yet. In the meantime, I believe I need to invest in a new adapter for my phone.  Wonder where I can get one? Can you say “backpack”?

Captain out.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “Dora Ain’t Gangsta

  1. backpack…. backpack! This one cracked me up!

    • Thanks Nicci! I have a feeling people will start randomly singing the song…and blame me. I deserve it!

  2. Do do do do da Dora! Do do do do da Dora! Dora Dora Dora the explorer…. Oh boy, am I familiar with Dora. I have boys. And they love Dora. Who’da thunk? Samantha G directed me to your blog, and I’m so glad she did! Love the name, love the Captain’s log, love everything about it! Would love to chat with you about blogging. I’m also an educator, and my blog contains questionable material, so I’ve struggled with revealing my identity and putting myself out there. Ultimately, though, I’ve decided to do it because it’s something I love. Anyway, subscribing and ready for more from the poop deck!

    • Laura,
      Thanks for the comment and the subscription! Would love to chat with you too! We can definitely talk about writing and hidden identities. I’m gonna head to your site today and check you out. Thanks again for following.

  3. And there’s one road in the whole place. Does she really need a map?

  4. My kid loves all things Nick Jr. Dora, Diego, Kai Lan, The Backyardigans. My wife, being the enabler she is (and sometimes I think just to hasten the Zombie Apocolypse) buys her such DVD’s, Cds, etc. She also likes the Doodlebops, so I feel your pain, Captain

    • Jeremy,
      The Zombie Apocalypse comment cracked me up! Funny how these simple things (which make lots of money) get stuck in our heads…
      I haven’t heard of the Doodlebugs. Perhaps I should be thankful? Lol. Thanks for reading.

  5. It’s too bad Swiper can’t swipe those DVDs from your car and replace them with something more palatable. Oh well, one can hope…

    • Hysterical! Good call. It’s almost like rooting for Wile E Coyote…hoping Swiper swipes the whole show. I’m down!

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