You’ve been warned. Don’t try to date my kids.

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1651.  A thought has arisen in the Captain’s head. (Shout out to Poop Deck Community Member and real life friend Jen who inspired a blog post idea.) Anyone who knows me knows that I am/will be overprotective of my daughter (hear that boys?).  I’m talking Bill Cosby/Bad Boys II (minus the language)/you don’t want to come to my house to pick her up overprotective.
I mean, I am already deliberating whether or not I should let her she the light of day after her 5th birthday overprotective (I jest…sort of).  I will try to be an understanding man, but I pity the boy that tries to date my daughter. 
But maybe it is not the suitors of the Eldest I simply need to worry about. 
The Eldest is pretty strong willed, independent. 
Maybe I need to employ my investigative prowess and security measures for potential “friends” of the Diaper Dweller as well.  Look I realize they are the collective age of 5, but a father could not be fully prepared if he doesn’t start to prepare. 
To fully vet a family I would ask the following questions:
1.  Do you believe in the DH or the traditional 9 man National League lineup? (If they don’t know what a designated hitter is they can move along.)
2.  King Kong or Godzilla?  (If they pick the oversized ape I know that they lead an unruly household.)
3.  Are you a Marvel or D.C. fan? (Superman vs. Captain America.  It will tell me worlds.)
4.  Do you put mayonnaise on your hamburger? (It pains me when someone mars a beautiful burger with such a horrible topping.)
5.  Do you believe in opening presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? (Those who don’t celebrate Christmas still have to answer the question, but Christmas will be replaced with birthday.  If the answer is “Eve” then I will fear that they have not taught the precious gift of patience.)
6.  Did Al Gore really invent the internet? (Really. I just want to know.)
7.  Is it soccer or futbol? (This will tell me how cultured they are.)
8.  Did Gaston act alone when he attacked the Beast, or was he the victim of mob mentality? (If they have not watched Beauty and the Beast…hmmm.)
9.  Is the Great Gatsby an allegory? (Can’t explain this one unless you have read Kinsella.)
10.  Who shot first – Han Solo or Greedo? (If the answer is not Han then it is a deal breaker…)
This is a rough draft of questions.  I may have to add more.  This is just the beginning of a longer process.  I will also add an agility course and alligator wrestling.  You want your kid to date my kid? You have to pass the test. Of course I have some time to fully think this through and that could be good or bad.  We will see.
Captain out. 

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Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “You’ve been warned. Don’t try to date my kids.

  1. Kathy Kinsman

    Love this, Alvin. Also, totally necessary.

  2. You may have encouraged me to create my own list, however, mine will most likely have one or more questions relating to the Godfather (I and II, the third is marginal) and the relevance of Sept. 19th.

    • I wholeheartedly agree with the Godfather references. I also agree with the third being marginal (blame Return of the Jedi for that one). I’m missing the Sept. 19th reference…Talk like a Pirate Day? Or one of the many historical events?

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