Parenting Until Failure

Sorry this post can be found here. Sorry for the confusion, but the app went crazy on me and published to the wrong page:( 

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I participated in a campaign on behalf of Dad Central Consulting for AVEENO. I received product samples and a promotional item as a thank you for participating.

The Captain has a love/hate relationship with shaving. There is nothing more refreshing than a clean shave. For several years now, The Captain has begun to gray, so shaving is also a great way for me to look younger. And it is cheaper than Botox.
The problem is that I have used a number of razors and shaving products and can’t seem to find a reliable go to product. I have a couple that I like, but I am always on the look out for what is new.
I shave/trim my goatee area about every two days. My head usually gets shaved about every two weeks. I would shave more often, but my skin is often pretty irritated and so I have to give it some time. Also, if I shave too often I can’t play the authentic role of a pirate with my kids.
The good people at AVEENO sent me a few products to try out. I received a shaving gel, face wash, and after shave lotion. AVEENO has a solid 60 year track record supported by dermatologists – so I knew they would be good.
I did love the shaving gel. It was pretty smooth on my neck and worked pretty well when I shaved my head. My favorite was the face wash though because it seemed to soothe and refresh my face. The after shave was also nice, but the face wash and shaving gel were the winners in my book.
My skin looks and feels healthier and I had less irritation after shaving than I have had in a long time. The other upside of the shaving gel and face wash is that neither were watery. The watery stuff usually leads to more nicks and cuts when I shave, or, in the case of the face wash, a semi clean/oily face.
The AVEENO Men’s Collection features the ACTIVE NATURALS® Oat ingredient which works to cleanse, moisturize and soothe men’s sensitive skin. And The Captain is here to tell you it works.
Now that I have the AVEENO Men’s Collection, I am going to give straight razor shaving a try. I can’t be a true pirate until I am using a real blade, right?
Okay. Time to shave. For now…Captain out!
You should go like The Captain on Facebook. Now. https://www.facebook.com/TheCaptainsLogBlog


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The Overnight Father – A Book Review

While I did receive a free copy of Paul Guzzo’s book, I was not compensated for this review. The following review is not influenced by the writer or a publisher.

Not every family story starts with a magic sex rock. I’m imagining the Brady Bunch song right now, and though it may fit in with the shenanigans of the cast, it does not fit the mantra of the typical family story. And while Paul Guzzo’s Overnight Family Man may not fit the “stereotypical” mold, it should be in your shopping cart.
It is a story of a man who goes from a single man to a family man. Overnight – hence the name.
Here’s the opening structure – boy meets girl playing softball, boy tries to talk to girl, girl says boy isn’t her type, boy learns girl has kids, but connection between boy and girl is too strong to ignore. That’s the exposition simplified, but this story is anything but simple.
Guzzo is a talented writer. His book draws you in like a piece of fiction would, yet you find yourself invested in it – the way good nonfiction allows you to be. There are layers of lessons to learn (the first of which involves reading the directions to the aforementioned rock) most involving the effects (not meant negatively) fatherhood has on a formerly single dad. Everyone always talks about how it changes your life, but in this case you see the changes in a flash. Everything from workout schedules to sleeping arrangements to family pets to discipline.
Guzzo pulls back the curtain on his life and allows you to peek in to some very personal areas. You come to not only respect his honesty as a writer, but also his intent to be the best dad he can be to all of his kids whether they are labeled as his “stepkids” or “biological” – for the record he doesn’t see that distinction but respects that others might.
There is one chapter in particular that illustrates the bond of love and respect between Paul and his wife, Amy. It also happens to be my favorite chapter. In it he gives the explanation for their name choice for their son. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I will say that it is symbolic of just how open Guzzo is about his experience.
The last thing I would like to mention is my favorite feature of the book. Sprinkled into Guzzo’s narrative are a number of Facebook posts from the time period he is describing. It is almost like a peek into his personal diary. These posts would later inspire him to write the book.
This book is a great gift for new stepdads, new dads, any parent, people thinking about having kids, or anyone who appreciates good writing.
Know anybody that fits any of those categories? Go ahead and gift them a copy.
Happy reading…
For now…Captain out.

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Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 1673.  April 15th is a pretty big day.  Yes, there is that whole tax thing, but there is a pretty big piece of American history that is commemorated today.  Jackie Robinson Day.  65 years ago today Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball.  He was not the first black professional baseball player (many sources point to a catcher, Moses Fleetwood Walker, in the late 1800’s as being the first black “Major League” player; Bud Fowler is considered the original pioneer for professional baseball).  However, after the unwritten gentleman’s agreement became common practice (team owners would agree not to field a team if the opposing team had a player of color on the field), all players of color were pushed out of the league and the country’s national pastime became as segregated as the country.

For about 50 years baseball had a split personality, same game, played in two separate worlds.  Then in 1947, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier.  Larry Doby followed a mere 11 weeks later.  The two pioneers played with the weight of hope on their shoulders – uniting a game and a country.  The integration of the game would foreshadow the sweeping change the country would experience in the decades to come.  Before Martin, Rosa, and Malcolm there were Jackie, Larry, and Hank.

So what does this have to do with fatherhood?

Well, that is pretty simple.  There are the obvious lessons in what Jackie and Larry both endured.  Perseverance. Pride.  Self-control.  There is a quote from Robinson that sums it all up to me: “A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.”

This day is about more than baseball.  And don’t let anyone fool you, it is not about one race or the other.  It is about having the courage to make an impact regardless of how people label you.

So enjoy Jackie Robinson day.  Remember the pioneer.  Remember how far we have come and how far we still can go.  Remember the impact that Jackie and Larry both had, and seek out a way to make your own. And if you can, enjoy a game – it is a pretty cool thing to see all players wearing the same number.  The only number to be retired by every team in Major League Baseball (with the exception of Mariano Rivera who was grandfathered in).  The number 42.

Captain Out.

Don’t forget the usual…

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Play Ball

I wrote a post on Life of Dad about the lessons of giving up sports for Lent.  It was harder than I thought, but also more rewarding than I expected.  Go check it out and check out a bunch of other really cool daddy bloggers.

Don’t forget the usual…

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Why I may be destined to fail as a father…

Captain’s Log.  Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 1669B.  So I have done some thinking.  I may be destined to fail as a father.  No, I don’t dislike my kids.  No, I haven’t put them in harms way nor do I intend to.

I have just had bad role models.

I’m not talking about my father, or my grandfather, or any of my uncles – they have all been good role models.  I am talking about a different influence.  The television.  The Captain has enjoyed his fair share of television and has noticed some of the characteristics of the fathers are not always the most commendable.

Here are a few examples:

1.  Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show — Certainly Cliff is a family man.  He adores his children, his wife, his job.  You can’t go wrong there.  The fashion?  That is where Cliff has led me astray.  Who doesn’t know the Cosby sweater?  Hopefully, my fashion sense will not embarrass my children when they are old enough to care.   Also, he taught me how to make the bacoburgerdog – thus ruining my arteries for years to come.

2.  Homer Simpson, The Simpsons – Do I really need to say much here?  Not exactly father of the year material.  Homer has the attention span of a gnat, the intelligence of a donut, and the grace of a bull in a fine china shop. The good thing about Homer is that he has set the bar low.

3.  Jack Bauer, 24.  Jack taught me a lot of things – all of which could land me in prison.  His influence would have me “interrogating” all boys who came to date The Eldest.  Somehow I think torture is frowned upon when fully vetting young suitors for one’s daughter.  On the plus side,  I could constantly ask Chloe to download specs to my PDA.

4.  Victor Newman, Young and the Restless- (You know you are humming the opening tune.  It will be stuck in your head all day.  You are welcome.)  Although this “Victor-ious” New Man made his way from the orphanage in Buffalo, New York all the way to one of the wealthiest tycoons in Genoa City, he is a cold hearted ruthless man.  And he speaks in a monotone.  He has hired and fired his own children.  Disowned his children.  The list goes on. 

5.  Al Bundy, Married With Children- I don’t think this one needs an explanation.  Does it?

6.  Fred Flintstone, The Flintstones – Yeah, he is a hard worker.  While it is not easy bringing home the brontosaurus, what does Fred do in the house but raise havoc?  Seriously.  He hollers at Wilma, gets kicked out the house, and sets Barney up to do his dirty work.  Plus he is not a great role model for driving…

7.  Phil Dunphy, Modern Family – In reality, I am probably a crazy mix between Cliff Huxtable and Phil Dunphy.  I laugh when I watch Modern Family because I think I am supposed to, but I times I feel for Phil.  I understand his plight, adore his puns (never thought I would say that about another dad), and equal his might as a handyman (I wouldn’t fix that step either).  Cam gets an honorable mention here (it is the random singing/performing which I do), but clearly Phil is the worst influence for me.

8.  Godzilla, Godzilla – Ummm.  While he does eventually help his son breathe fire, Godzilla destroys cities – not a good role model for anger management.

9. Fred G. Sanford, Sanford and Son – And the G stands for Gregarious.  Mr. Sanford may have been my grandfather.  They had the same laugh, strut, and affinity for someone else’s junk.  However, Fred always solved problems with his drawer full of reading glasses, pinto beans, and fake heart attacks.  Again, not a good role model.

10.  Darth Vader, Star Wars – He cut off his own son’s hand, destroyed an entire world, killed countless innocent imperial officers, not to mention the younglings before he became “more machine than man”, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.  He did turn good at the end, but he is not a good role model.

So these are the ten fathers that may contribute to my ultimate failure.  Their voices and influence ring in my head from time to time: kind of like the angel Tom and devil Tom that sit on his shoulders and urge him to chase Jerry or leave the poor mouse alone.  Imagine say 50 years from now and a boy comes to take The Eldest out on her first date.  Here is what might occur in my head:

Boy:  Mr. Captain, I’m here to take out your daughter.

Phil:  You are a young strapping lad.  You remind me of me.

Fred Sanford:  How about 5 across yo lips?!? (laugh track)

Jack:  I know these type of men, Captain, whatever you do don’t let him in the door.  You need to get answers from him.  You might have to get your hands dirty, but it is the interest of your home security.

Homer: Doh!

Cliff:  Young man.  I didn’t bring you in this world, but I can take you out!

Vader:  Don’t make me destroy you.

Victor:  I’m Victor Newman.  I do as I d%$# well please.  I always have and I always will.

Godzilla:  (Godzilla Scream) HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  (Breathes fire and smashes boy’s car.)

Al:  No one takes out your daughter.  No one.  Tell him you played high school football.

Fred Flintstone:  That does it!  WILMA!

Boy:  I promise to have her back by 9.

Jack:  Chloe, send me the coordinates of their route for this date to my PDA.  I am attaching a GPS locator to the boy and his car.  Send that signal to my PDA too.   I need a visual at all times of this car.  License plate number…

Cliff:  Is that Central or Eastern Standard Time?

Phil:  You guys are young kids.  I remember those days.  So young and full of excitement.  We should have coffee some time and hangout.

Fred Sanford:  It’s the big one.  Elizabeth, I’m coming to join you honey!


I don’t think I could handle that situation with all those possibilities running through my head.  And that’s just one example.  The moral of the post is that you have to choose your role models carefully.  Ya big dummy.

Who is your favorite, or least favorite t.v. dad?  Leave a comment.

Captain Out.

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The Monstrosity

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1649.  The weekend has ended. The Captain has never been so excited to return back to school.  There are no bolts to tighten, boards to lift, or slides to assemble.
The monstrosity has been assembled and sits defiantly in the backyard.


It would not exist without the Captain’s neighbor.  You probably remember the commercials of the Maytag Man – a kind gentleman who sat around playing cards and such because the machines never break (good marketing idea).  Well, my neighbor is the anti-Maytag Man.  Still a kind man, but he never sits around.  He fixes everything for everybody.  Including spending over 14 hours helping. leading the assembly of the playset. 
It is known that the Captain is no handyman.  However, the Captain did a fair share of the work did help out and learned a great deal. 
At the end of the weekend a few things were true – 1. The directions are not idiot proof.  I created a few extra steps and we had to drill a few holes because the Captain put a board upside down.  2.  I bled a little, but the Eldest bled the most.  The Eldest was the victim of an  unfortunate hammock flipping accident, while patiently waiting for the construction to end.  Her bloody nose temporarily halted construction and gave the Captain’s shirt automatic street cred.  3.  The novelty of new play equipment lasts forever for a short time.  After asking every 5 minutes if it was done, trying to climb and play while we built it, the Eldest asked for permission to go out front and play with water balloons after playing on the set for about 10 minutes.  I wanted to shout the quote from Gladiator, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?” And the fling the drill in my hand (because I wasn’t wielding a sword)…but I thought that might be over the top.  Plus the Eldest hasn’t seen the movie (nor has Mrs. Captain for that matter) and the reference would be lost on her.  The Captain simply said no. 
After we finished, we had a post construction bar-b-que.  We feasted like people about to fall asleep at any moment royalty. 
This much I know…the Captain has the best neighbors, the Eldest loves the playset, and my body feels like it skipped the 30’s and headed to the end of the 40’s. 
But I live to cry build another day.
Captain out.

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The Bully

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1646.
It is Friday and that should be a good thing.  However, today the Captain feels like that kid that picked on the school bully and now has a date with destiny behind the schoolhouse after the last bell.  You know, one of those, “Oh. So you think you’re bad, huh? Back of the school. Be there. I’ll be waiting.” Gulp. (Not that the Captain ever had a bully.  Okay, real talk. The Captain had two personal bullies from kindergarten until the seventh grade.  It was like having a consierge for threats, havoc, “accidental tackles” while playing four square, attempted stolen lunches, and hyena snickering.  The Captain is proud to say he never got beat up and never threw a punch.  Thank you Mr. Miyagi and Karate Kid 1-3. Wax on works. Trust me.  I caught a punch by accident.  It shocked and scared me and the bullies.)







The weekend is normally a good thing.  But the Captain has been aiding and abetting (whatever that means) the enemy in his very own garage.
The monstrosity of a wood playset sits in my garage.  Don’t let the enchanting smell of fresh cedar fool you.  This beast ain’t nice.Three boxes of assembly.  Three rounds with the heavyweight champion of the world.  And I’m Popeye – before the spinach.  Better yet, the Captain is more like Olive Oil when it comes to handiness and tools (I can break stuff like a champ, though).
Fortunately, I have a good neighbor who puts up with my ineptness and some other family and friends who are able to help out.
It is just an eerie feeling walking through the garage and coming face to face box with my foe. In the background I hear the sound of the Smoke Monster from Lost.  This playground set is waiting to swallow me whole.
The Captain is just trying to focus on the fact that his kids will love it.  His kids’ friends (whom we love) will love it.  The other neighborhood kids will…uh-oh. The Captain didn’t think that far ahead.  The Captain needs to go and reinforce the borders of the homestead.
Of course, if it rains all this is a moot point for another week.  Which means the boxes will simply haunt me for one week more.
Either way…it should be interesting.
Captain out…

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Raising a Supervillain…part II

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1639.  The Diaper Dweller is approaching full strength.  This makes the crew happy and scares us at the same time.  Around dinnertime last night, the Diaper Dweller resumed his regular tactics.  He tortured the Eldest by taking her things. Fortunately, she found it adorable and cute.  It might have been opposite day. 
Speaking of the Eldest, I grow concerned with her choices in entertainment.  She has fallen in love with the movie Megamind.


Do you dare challenge Megamind?!?

It is pretty funny.  Comes with a PG rating, but aside from the satiric violence (which can be a big deal with many kids) there are minimal questionable scenes.  As a parent, you appreciate not having to explain much.  But as a parent you are also leary. 
Am I raising my child to be a supervillain?
Now I have already explored the possibility that  my son may be a villain, but perhaps I am overlooking the obvious. Perhaps evil is being trained right beneath my nose in the disguise of princess pink, dance attire, and bouncy baby lamby curls.  Perhaps my daughter is a supervillain in training…
It makes sense to a degree. I, too, was once an aspiring supervillain.  Growing up there were three characters I adored. Okay four. The Incredible Hulk and Spiderman receive honorable mentions.   Superman, for obvious reasons, was a mainstay.  He and I were born in the same city afterall.  But after Supes, there was Chewie, Godzilla, and Darth Vader.  Two of the three destroyed things on a regular basis.  While it can be argued that Godzilla was misunderstood, and a creation of the negligence of mankind, there is no debating that Vader was bad.  And I loved him.  I was never afraid of him.  I wanted to be him.  I would walk around and say, “Your lack of faith is disturbing,” and, my favorite, “…you are not a Jedi yet.” (Sidenote: Jedi gets autocorrected to Jesus…I’m not comfortable with that.)
Aside from the obvious dark garb, Megamind and the Dark Lord of the Sith have something in common – (spoiler alert) they both experience a sort of redemption. 
So maybe things aren’t as bleak as I think.  Maybe she will bring balance to the Force.  Or maybe she will discover that her intellect can be used to save the day. 
As long as she doesn’t fall in love with a villain/badboy…  Like the DirecTv commercials says, “Then you’ll wind up with a grandkid in a dog collar.  Don’t have a grandchild with a dog collar.”
I will be mindful of Megamind, but I don’t think I have much to worry about.  I mean the Captain turned out okay. 
Umm. Commence worrying.
Captain out. 

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Stuck in the Infirmary

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1638. The diaper dweller is homebound for a second straight day.  The Captain is in charge of the infirmary today.  Yesterday was a comedy of errors.
  The Diaper Dweller stayed awake most of the night culminating with a fever at 3 a.m. The Captain tried to go to school to switch his sub plans only to find that the Supermobile would not start.  So in Mrs. Captain’s car he went…only to find she didn’t have gas.  Finally, the Captain makes it to school only to then remember that his school keys are in the Supermobile.  Then, his original copies got swallowed by the copy machine…so he just changed his plans…again.  Epic day.

The Eldest got to expand her vocabulary.  Since her brother was sick, she of course wanted to check the health of her dolls.  Now those of you who have small children know that a thermometer has a short life span under an arm or tongue.  You have to go where few thermometers have boldly gone before.  That’s right…the rectal thermometer. 

In the midst of a diaper change/temperature check the Eldest picked up the rectal thermometer and attempted to play with it. 
Me: Sweetie. You don’t want to play with that.

Me: Why are you pouting?

Eldest: I want to play with that.

Me: Eldest, do you like to play with poop?


Me: That goes in the Diaper Dweller’s rear…the same place he poops from.

Eldest: Oh.

Me: You can use the regular thermometer.

Eldest: Can I have a snack?

And so continues the lifelong lesson of vocabulary development. I guess one can say…(cue bad pun chorus and David Caruso voice) today was literally a tale from the poop deck. Captain out.



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