Posts Tagged With: humor

New Site. New Home

Dear Poop Deck Community,
This is my last post (I think) from this address. The Captain has a new home and he would love all of you to visit if you haven’t already.
The new site (easy to remember)
talesfromthepoopdeck.com
Go visit and bring a friend:)
For now…Captain out.
And if you haven’t “Liked” me on Facebook yet, we can still friends…as long as you follow the link and hit that button.

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I Just Want to Pee Alone – A Book Review

 

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I have written this post about three different times.  I will fully admit that I am intimidated by the prospect of reviewing a work created by 37 creative, funny, honest, witty moms.  A book that, when it arrived in the mail, had my wife laughing to the point of tears within 30 seconds of breaking the binding.  A book that I didn’t get to read for several days because it was liberated by said wife – who continued to read, laugh, and repeat.

I Just Want to Pee Alone, written by “Some Kick Ass Mom Bloggers” is not for everyone.  If you don’t have a sense of humor – don’t read it.  If you have never been pooped or peed on (or aren’t getting ready to experience such niceties) – don’t read it.

As evidenced by my wife’s reaction, moms will relate to and enjoy this book.  But they are not the only ones.  I enjoyed the book.  And though I have never experienced the pregnancy, the hormones, the waxing (thank goodness), the shaving, the nursing, or the (how can I put this mildly) bodily changes – I appreciated each of these essays.

What got me was that underneath the layer of humor, in each essay there was a sincere, authentic reflection of a personal motherhood experience.  Many made me appreciate my wife more.  Parenting, or in the case of this book, motherhood, can, at times, be a lonely, unforgiving experience.  Sometimes you need to vent.  Sometimes you need to laugh.  Sometimes you just need to share.  Sometimes you need to express yourself without a filter.  This book does all of that.

What is great about this collection is that it is comprised of short essays – which makes for convenient reading in between parenting duties.  It is a quick read with a hardy laugh guaranteed.

Dads- Now if you really want to gift this book right – wrap it up, leave it in the bathroom, take the kids to the park and let your wife enjoy the book in solitude.  Just be sure to warn the neighbors of the impending shrieks of laughter that may resonate.  Then when she finishes – read it yourself.

Moms- What are you waiting for?  Go ahead and order this book.  When you are done share it with a friend.

Why pee alone when you can do it while reading this book.  Order now.

Did you finish the book and need more material to read?  Or do you want a free preview?  Visit each of the authors’ sites.  Enjoy.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat   Insane in the Mom Brain

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva   Baby Sideburns

Rants From Mommyland  You Know it Happens at Your House Too

The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess   My Life and Kids

Bad Parenting Moments   Let Me Start By Saying   Frugalista Blog

Suburban Snapshots   Ninja Mom   Four Plus an Angel   Honest Mom

Binkies and Briefcases   Naps Happen   Kelley’s Break Room

Toulouse & Tonic   HouseTalkN   Hollow Tree Ventures

The Fordeville Diaries   Snarkfest   Mom’s New Stage   Nurse Mommy Laughs

The Dose of Reality   The Mom of the Year   Life on Peanut Layne

Momaical   Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine   Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping   Random Handprints   RachRiot

You’re My Favorite Today   Funny is Family   My Real Life

Special thanks to Kim Bongiorno for giving me an opportunity to review this book.

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Raising a Supervillain…part II

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1639.  The Diaper Dweller is approaching full strength.  This makes the crew happy and scares us at the same time.  Around dinnertime last night, the Diaper Dweller resumed his regular tactics.  He tortured the Eldest by taking her things. Fortunately, she found it adorable and cute.  It might have been opposite day. 
Speaking of the Eldest, I grow concerned with her choices in entertainment.  She has fallen in love with the movie Megamind.

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Do you dare challenge Megamind?!?

It is pretty funny.  Comes with a PG rating, but aside from the satiric violence (which can be a big deal with many kids) there are minimal questionable scenes.  As a parent, you appreciate not having to explain much.  But as a parent you are also leary. 
Am I raising my child to be a supervillain?
Now I have already explored the possibility that  my son may be a villain, but perhaps I am overlooking the obvious. Perhaps evil is being trained right beneath my nose in the disguise of princess pink, dance attire, and bouncy baby lamby curls.  Perhaps my daughter is a supervillain in training…
It makes sense to a degree. I, too, was once an aspiring supervillain.  Growing up there were three characters I adored. Okay four. The Incredible Hulk and Spiderman receive honorable mentions.   Superman, for obvious reasons, was a mainstay.  He and I were born in the same city afterall.  But after Supes, there was Chewie, Godzilla, and Darth Vader.  Two of the three destroyed things on a regular basis.  While it can be argued that Godzilla was misunderstood, and a creation of the negligence of mankind, there is no debating that Vader was bad.  And I loved him.  I was never afraid of him.  I wanted to be him.  I would walk around and say, “Your lack of faith is disturbing,” and, my favorite, “…you are not a Jedi yet.” (Sidenote: Jedi gets autocorrected to Jesus…I’m not comfortable with that.)
Aside from the obvious dark garb, Megamind and the Dark Lord of the Sith have something in common – (spoiler alert) they both experience a sort of redemption. 
So maybe things aren’t as bleak as I think.  Maybe she will bring balance to the Force.  Or maybe she will discover that her intellect can be used to save the day. 
As long as she doesn’t fall in love with a villain/badboy…  Like the DirecTv commercials says, “Then you’ll wind up with a grandkid in a dog collar.  Don’t have a grandchild with a dog collar.”
I will be mindful of Megamind, but I don’t think I have much to worry about.  I mean the Captain turned out okay. 
Umm. Commence worrying.
Captain out. 

Posted from WordPress for Android

Categories: daughters, fatherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Stuck in the Infirmary

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1638. The diaper dweller is homebound for a second straight day.  The Captain is in charge of the infirmary today.  Yesterday was a comedy of errors.
  The Diaper Dweller stayed awake most of the night culminating with a fever at 3 a.m. The Captain tried to go to school to switch his sub plans only to find that the Supermobile would not start.  So in Mrs. Captain’s car he went…only to find she didn’t have gas.  Finally, the Captain makes it to school only to then remember that his school keys are in the Supermobile.  Then, his original copies got swallowed by the copy machine…so he just changed his plans…again.  Epic day.

The Eldest got to expand her vocabulary.  Since her brother was sick, she of course wanted to check the health of her dolls.  Now those of you who have small children know that a thermometer has a short life span under an arm or tongue.  You have to go where few thermometers have boldly gone before.  That’s right…the rectal thermometer. 

In the midst of a diaper change/temperature check the Eldest picked up the rectal thermometer and attempted to play with it. 
Me: Sweetie. You don’t want to play with that.
Eldest:


Me: Why are you pouting?


Eldest: I want to play with that.


Me: Eldest, do you like to play with poop?


Eldest:


Me: That goes in the Diaper Dweller’s rear…the same place he poops from.


Eldest: Oh.


Me: You can use the regular thermometer.


Eldest: Can I have a snack?


And so continues the lifelong lesson of vocabulary development. I guess one can say…(cue bad pun chorus and David Caruso voice) today was literally a tale from the poop deck. Captain out.

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Categories: daughters, fatherhood, sick kids | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Referendom of Manliness

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1587.  How is your Saturday morning going? The Captain’s morning has been a referendom on his manliness, or lack thereof.

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The Captain has been sitting in the waiting room of Pep Boys for two hours now.  Nice folks, good business, but a bit frustrating.  The from tire of the Supermobile went flat yesterday. It took two staff members to rescue the Captain. In the process the Supermobile claimed another jack as its victim. With the help of my AD, and a three inch wrench, we put the donuts wheel on. 
Back at the Pep Boys lair, they informed the Captain that not only did the tire need replaced, but the rims were corroding the tires, and the brakes AND rotors were both in the red.
The Captain remembers when his father used to pull the family vehicle apart, on what seemed like a weekly basis, and fix everything. Well, the Captain is not that manly or smart. He didn’t get those genes. He got the genes to make unfunny puns, sing random showtunes in relation to conversation topics or situations, and apply odd nicknames to people.  Well puns don’t fix cars.  And showtunes, though entertaining to the Captain, only seem to irritate people.
Fact is, he is manly enough to go into debt because of the skills he doesn’t have.
Many people say this is because cars are designed in a manner that you are nearly forced to go to a shop to get some things done. What do you guys think? Are cars that different from 20 years ago?
Well, while waiting and wading into debt The Captain is going to contemplate what superpower he can learn to make his kids proud. 

Cue Cymbalta music. (Or “One Day More” from Les Miserables)

(Manly voice.) Captain out…

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One Ring to Rule Them All

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1587. So over the three day weekend, the Captain broke his wedding ring.  It was the strangest thing you have ever seen.  What did the Captain do? Stick it in a vice, hit it with a hammer, throw it against the wall? No, I simply sat down.  The top layer popped up and peeled part of the way off. The eldest thought it was hilarious. 

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Mind you this is the Captain’s second wedding ring – same marriage different ring.  The first one had four little diamonds in it and one popped out.  The peeled ring was supposed to be a replacement.  It lasted about 5 years. 
In an effort to keep the symbolic visible symbol (yeah I know that sounds stupid) of the union with Mrs. Captain, the Captain selected a ring that Mrs. Captain gave him as a gift long ago when they were dating.

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Baller.

Mrs. Captain doesn’t exactly like it, bit my middle schoolers will find it hysterical. Or they will make fun of me. Especially, if I say that it is “baller”. Which I wont- cause it sounds weird.

In the meantime, I will return the peeled ring back to the dealer and see what they can do for me.  If it is nothing but a “sorry about your luck”, then the Captain will be headed to another venue to search for one ring to rule them all – or just one that I can’t break. 

Captain out.

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Running Flat

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1574. This week has been hard. Going back to work has not been the easiest. Getting the kids up and out the door, getting myself ready, dealing with traffic – all not fun.
Too Tired
Last night I was so tired that I fell asleep in the eldest’s room putting her asleep. And Mrs. Captain was so tired that while she was putting the diaper dweller back to sleep, she feel asleep too – leaving me to sleep on the comfortable floor in the eldest’s room. And what song did I wake to two hours later? Manners and Etiquette. God does have a sense of humor.

The Flat
My second day back I was greeted by this sight when I was getting ready to leave.

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A flat tire.  On the Supermobile.  I thought I had enough time to fix it and make it to work, but then my jack broke. Thanks to a big save by my mother-in-law and my neighbor I had transportation and the ability to get my car fixed.

In the meantime, waking the girl up in the morning should be a stunt on Fear Factor. She kicks, screams, and I think the other morning she tried to put a hex on me. It is not going well. Hopefully, this will improve next week or I might be teaching over Skype and just staying home.

Work has been interesting. My voice is not used to talking for 6 periods. It is getting weak and fragile in my old age. But, I shall journey on.

I welcome this weekend with open arms and gratitude. It better be a good one.

For now, Captain out. 

P.S. A big shoutout and thank you to the 60+ people who have liked us on Facebook. And the many who have voted for us on Babble. Thanks for your time and consideration.

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