Why I may be destined to fail as a father…

Captain’s Log.  Daddy Chronicles.  Diaper Date 1669B.  So I have done some thinking.  I may be destined to fail as a father.  No, I don’t dislike my kids.  No, I haven’t put them in harms way nor do I intend to.

I have just had bad role models.

I’m not talking about my father, or my grandfather, or any of my uncles – they have all been good role models.  I am talking about a different influence.  The television.  The Captain has enjoyed his fair share of television and has noticed some of the characteristics of the fathers are not always the most commendable.

Here are a few examples:

1.  Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show — Certainly Cliff is a family man.  He adores his children, his wife, his job.  You can’t go wrong there.  The fashion?  That is where Cliff has led me astray.  Who doesn’t know the Cosby sweater?  Hopefully, my fashion sense will not embarrass my children when they are old enough to care.   Also, he taught me how to make the bacoburgerdog – thus ruining my arteries for years to come.

2.  Homer Simpson, The Simpsons – Do I really need to say much here?  Not exactly father of the year material.  Homer has the attention span of a gnat, the intelligence of a donut, and the grace of a bull in a fine china shop. The good thing about Homer is that he has set the bar low.

3.  Jack Bauer, 24.  Jack taught me a lot of things – all of which could land me in prison.  His influence would have me “interrogating” all boys who came to date The Eldest.  Somehow I think torture is frowned upon when fully vetting young suitors for one’s daughter.  On the plus side,  I could constantly ask Chloe to download specs to my PDA.

4.  Victor Newman, Young and the Restless- (You know you are humming the opening tune.  It will be stuck in your head all day.  You are welcome.)  Although this “Victor-ious” New Man made his way from the orphanage in Buffalo, New York all the way to one of the wealthiest tycoons in Genoa City, he is a cold hearted ruthless man.  And he speaks in a monotone.  He has hired and fired his own children.  Disowned his children.  The list goes on. 

5.  Al Bundy, Married With Children- I don’t think this one needs an explanation.  Does it?

6.  Fred Flintstone, The Flintstones – Yeah, he is a hard worker.  While it is not easy bringing home the brontosaurus, what does Fred do in the house but raise havoc?  Seriously.  He hollers at Wilma, gets kicked out the house, and sets Barney up to do his dirty work.  Plus he is not a great role model for driving…

7.  Phil Dunphy, Modern Family – In reality, I am probably a crazy mix between Cliff Huxtable and Phil Dunphy.  I laugh when I watch Modern Family because I think I am supposed to, but I times I feel for Phil.  I understand his plight, adore his puns (never thought I would say that about another dad), and equal his might as a handyman (I wouldn’t fix that step either).  Cam gets an honorable mention here (it is the random singing/performing which I do), but clearly Phil is the worst influence for me.

8.  Godzilla, Godzilla – Ummm.  While he does eventually help his son breathe fire, Godzilla destroys cities – not a good role model for anger management.

9. Fred G. Sanford, Sanford and Son – And the G stands for Gregarious.  Mr. Sanford may have been my grandfather.  They had the same laugh, strut, and affinity for someone else’s junk.  However, Fred always solved problems with his drawer full of reading glasses, pinto beans, and fake heart attacks.  Again, not a good role model.

10.  Darth Vader, Star Wars – He cut off his own son’s hand, destroyed an entire world, killed countless innocent imperial officers, not to mention the younglings before he became “more machine than man”, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.  He did turn good at the end, but he is not a good role model.

So these are the ten fathers that may contribute to my ultimate failure.  Their voices and influence ring in my head from time to time: kind of like the angel Tom and devil Tom that sit on his shoulders and urge him to chase Jerry or leave the poor mouse alone.  Imagine say 50 years from now and a boy comes to take The Eldest out on her first date.  Here is what might occur in my head:

Boy:  Mr. Captain, I’m here to take out your daughter.

Phil:  You are a young strapping lad.  You remind me of me.

Fred Sanford:  How about 5 across yo lips?!? (laugh track)

Jack:  I know these type of men, Captain, whatever you do don’t let him in the door.  You need to get answers from him.  You might have to get your hands dirty, but it is the interest of your home security.

Homer: Doh!

Cliff:  Young man.  I didn’t bring you in this world, but I can take you out!

Vader:  Don’t make me destroy you.

Victor:  I’m Victor Newman.  I do as I d%$# well please.  I always have and I always will.

Godzilla:  (Godzilla Scream) HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  (Breathes fire and smashes boy’s car.)

Al:  No one takes out your daughter.  No one.  Tell him you played high school football.

Fred Flintstone:  That does it!  WILMA!

Boy:  I promise to have her back by 9.

Jack:  Chloe, send me the coordinates of their route for this date to my PDA.  I am attaching a GPS locator to the boy and his car.  Send that signal to my PDA too.   I need a visual at all times of this car.  License plate number…

Cliff:  Is that Central or Eastern Standard Time?

Phil:  You guys are young kids.  I remember those days.  So young and full of excitement.  We should have coffee some time and hangout.

Fred Sanford:  It’s the big one.  Elizabeth, I’m coming to join you honey!

Captain:…

I don’t think I could handle that situation with all those possibilities running through my head.  And that’s just one example.  The moral of the post is that you have to choose your role models carefully.  Ya big dummy.

Who is your favorite, or least favorite t.v. dad?  Leave a comment.

Captain Out.

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The Bully

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1646.
It is Friday and that should be a good thing.  However, today the Captain feels like that kid that picked on the school bully and now has a date with destiny behind the schoolhouse after the last bell.  You know, one of those, “Oh. So you think you’re bad, huh? Back of the school. Be there. I’ll be waiting.” Gulp. (Not that the Captain ever had a bully.  Okay, real talk. The Captain had two personal bullies from kindergarten until the seventh grade.  It was like having a consierge for threats, havoc, “accidental tackles” while playing four square, attempted stolen lunches, and hyena snickering.  The Captain is proud to say he never got beat up and never threw a punch.  Thank you Mr. Miyagi and Karate Kid 1-3. Wax on works. Trust me.  I caught a punch by accident.  It shocked and scared me and the bullies.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weekend is normally a good thing.  But the Captain has been aiding and abetting (whatever that means) the enemy in his very own garage.
The monstrosity of a wood playset sits in my garage.  Don’t let the enchanting smell of fresh cedar fool you.  This beast ain’t nice.Three boxes of assembly.  Three rounds with the heavyweight champion of the world.  And I’m Popeye – before the spinach.  Better yet, the Captain is more like Olive Oil when it comes to handiness and tools (I can break stuff like a champ, though).
Fortunately, I have a good neighbor who puts up with my ineptness and some other family and friends who are able to help out.
It is just an eerie feeling walking through the garage and coming face to face box with my foe. In the background I hear the sound of the Smoke Monster from Lost.  This playground set is waiting to swallow me whole.
The Captain is just trying to focus on the fact that his kids will love it.  His kids’ friends (whom we love) will love it.  The other neighborhood kids will…uh-oh. The Captain didn’t think that far ahead.  The Captain needs to go and reinforce the borders of the homestead.
Of course, if it rains all this is a moot point for another week.  Which means the boxes will simply haunt me for one week more.
Either way…it should be interesting.
Captain out…

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Raising a Supervillain…part II

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1639.  The Diaper Dweller is approaching full strength.  This makes the crew happy and scares us at the same time.  Around dinnertime last night, the Diaper Dweller resumed his regular tactics.  He tortured the Eldest by taking her things. Fortunately, she found it adorable and cute.  It might have been opposite day. 
Speaking of the Eldest, I grow concerned with her choices in entertainment.  She has fallen in love with the movie Megamind.

Do you dare challenge Megamind?!?

It is pretty funny.  Comes with a PG rating, but aside from the satiric violence (which can be a big deal with many kids) there are minimal questionable scenes.  As a parent, you appreciate not having to explain much.  But as a parent you are also leary. 
Am I raising my child to be a supervillain?
Now I have already explored the possibility that  my son may be a villain, but perhaps I am overlooking the obvious. Perhaps evil is being trained right beneath my nose in the disguise of princess pink, dance attire, and bouncy baby lamby curls.  Perhaps my daughter is a supervillain in training…
It makes sense to a degree. I, too, was once an aspiring supervillain.  Growing up there were three characters I adored. Okay four. The Incredible Hulk and Spiderman receive honorable mentions.   Superman, for obvious reasons, was a mainstay.  He and I were born in the same city afterall.  But after Supes, there was Chewie, Godzilla, and Darth Vader.  Two of the three destroyed things on a regular basis.  While it can be argued that Godzilla was misunderstood, and a creation of the negligence of mankind, there is no debating that Vader was bad.  And I loved him.  I was never afraid of him.  I wanted to be him.  I would walk around and say, “Your lack of faith is disturbing,” and, my favorite, “…you are not a Jedi yet.” (Sidenote: Jedi gets autocorrected to Jesus…I’m not comfortable with that.)
Aside from the obvious dark garb, Megamind and the Dark Lord of the Sith have something in common – (spoiler alert) they both experience a sort of redemption. 
So maybe things aren’t as bleak as I think.  Maybe she will bring balance to the Force.  Or maybe she will discover that her intellect can be used to save the day. 
As long as she doesn’t fall in love with a villain/badboy…  Like the DirecTv commercials says, “Then you’ll wind up with a grandkid in a dog collar.  Don’t have a grandchild with a dog collar.”
I will be mindful of Megamind, but I don’t think I have much to worry about.  I mean the Captain turned out okay. 
Umm. Commence worrying.
Captain out. 

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Stuck in the Infirmary

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1638. The diaper dweller is homebound for a second straight day.  The Captain is in charge of the infirmary today.  Yesterday was a comedy of errors.
  The Diaper Dweller stayed awake most of the night culminating with a fever at 3 a.m. The Captain tried to go to school to switch his sub plans only to find that the Supermobile would not start.  So in Mrs. Captain’s car he went…only to find she didn’t have gas.  Finally, the Captain makes it to school only to then remember that his school keys are in the Supermobile.  Then, his original copies got swallowed by the copy machine…so he just changed his plans…again.  Epic day.

The Eldest got to expand her vocabulary.  Since her brother was sick, she of course wanted to check the health of her dolls.  Now those of you who have small children know that a thermometer has a short life span under an arm or tongue.  You have to go where few thermometers have boldly gone before.  That’s right…the rectal thermometer. 

In the midst of a diaper change/temperature check the Eldest picked up the rectal thermometer and attempted to play with it. 
Me: Sweetie. You don’t want to play with that.
Eldest:


Me: Why are you pouting?


Eldest: I want to play with that.


Me: Eldest, do you like to play with poop?


Eldest:


Me: That goes in the Diaper Dweller’s rear…the same place he poops from.


Eldest: Oh.


Me: You can use the regular thermometer.


Eldest: Can I have a snack?


And so continues the lifelong lesson of vocabulary development. I guess one can say…(cue bad pun chorus and David Caruso voice) today was literally a tale from the poop deck. Captain out.

   

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The Mani/Pedi Captain style

Captain’s Log. Daddy Chronicles. Diaper Date 1635.  The Captain has been the father of a daughter for over 4 years now.  This has meant the participation in some pretty ridiculous things.  And by ridiculous the Captain means fun though sometimes slightly uncomfortable.  The Captain has played dress up, had tea parties, had dance parties while dressing up, participated in dance class, etc.  The Captain has also been the emergency technician for manicures and pedicures.
Bill Cosby once stated that all a father need do to get out of something is to do it poorly once.  The Captain subscribes to this idea – though it hasn’t worked with the cat litter. 
Painting a house is one thing.  Nails completely different. 
Last night was the “emergency situation”. The Eldest wanted her nails done.  Mrs. Captain was attending to the Diaper Dweller. Time was of the essence.  The Eldest made her plea to the Captain.  The Captain had no choice but to acquiesce.  And so the nail paint was retrieved.  Not one bottle.  Not two bottles…BUT ALL FIVE. That’s right a different color for each nail. 
The Captain kept his hand as steady as possible, but wound up painting more than nails.  The good thing is the Eldest was thrilled regardless of the lackluster service that was provided.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Captain laughed and snapped photos the entire time.  Here is one of the photos…

A couple of things you will notice in the photo-
1. The Captain’s application is flawless.
2. The Captain does have small hands, but he warns you they are powerful.  Chuck Norris fears the Captain’s fetus hands.
3.  The pattern on the Eldest’s nightgown is the one that we all had for our Christmas photo (Captain had pajama pants – no Scrooge nightgown though I have the legs to pull it off).  It is also the same pattern that Cam had on his cuffs for the Modern Family Christmas episode. That’s right.  The Captain’s family is trend setting.
The Captain knows that there are many dads out there with better nail skills.  The whole hair and nail thing is just not the Captain’s forte, but as long as he is father to a daughter he will give it a try. Eventually she will be too ashamed to go out in public which may be how the Captain avoids the whole daughter dating phase that will be the end of him which would be unfortunate.
For now….Captain out. 

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